The Home as a Judgment Free Zone
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2, NIV)
“Most families would be healthier and happier if their members treated one another with the respect they would give to a perfect stranger.”
(Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, 219)
One thing that I have not done in my life is apply the passage of Matthew 7:1-5 to my family. I suppose I’m too often consumed by the culture wars about the word “judge” and maybe on the defensive as the church is so often accused of being judgmental. It deflects my attention away from the very practical way in which these verses can apply in all settings of life, especially, and including our families.
In The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard uses several familial and parenting analogies to illustrate the applicability of these verses about judging each other to the spaces outside of the church. He shares that it is really in our closest and most intimate relationships, often with our children and other close relatives, that learning how to relate to one another becomes most important. As we probably can all relate, the main idea is that familiarity often breeds contempt. And contempt, anger, and resentment, all lead us toward condemnation as a means of coping if we’re not careful. It’s a recipe for dysfunction and breakdown. And, I think the home is also a good place to start in working these verses out before we even begin to engage in the culture all around us.
A quick review of the word in question (“judge”) reveals a close connection to condemnation. The main idea is that for good or ill, and often more well-meaning than not, we tend toward trying to control people through condemnation. We want to help, or encourage change, or stop certain behaviors, or at its most basic level offer truth. Rarely does condemnation bring about the desired change, and rarely does that stop us. And if we are working within the Christian paradigm, we are often justifying our words and actions through a sense of self-righteousness. After all, we’re really trying to help and maybe we even truly do care about something eternal, especially with those we love the most.
The root word in Greek for judging means separation. Condemnation declares, sometimes indirectly, that someone is unworthy or bad, and possibly irredeemable. It attacks people’s sense of self-worth and identity. It is often associated with shame. Inevitably, it pushes people apart, and places demands on both parties that become very difficult to meet. When uttered, these kinds of “words” are often met with anger and hostility and returned back at the giver, either directly or indirectly. The indirect, or passive-aggressive responses are often the result when played out within power dynamics, such as those between parents and children.
Willard cites some of the insights of C.S. Lewis when discussing the way judging each other plays out in the home. In his book titled “The Four Loves,” Lewis expounds on one of the Greek words for love known as “storge,” or familial love. He says that he has, “been far more impressed by the bad manners of parents to children than by those of children to parent” (Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, pg. 219 excerpted from Lewis, The Four Loves, pgs. 42-43.) He would go on to describe how some parents treat their children with “an incivility which, offered to any other young people, would simply have terminated the acquaintance” (Lewis, 42-43). In today’s terms, we know this could result in Child Protective Services possibly being called in if matters became too harsh and too public. But, there are a lot of degrees before this that still ride under the radar and contribute to instability and broken relationships in the home that could be addressed.
It’s hard being a parent (much less an adult), and too often the home is where we let our guard down. And being honest, there are a lot of occasions where my children are truly out in front of me. They see things I don’t, and sometimes understand things I don’t. I impose rules and regulations that sometimes serve my purposes and discount their goals and desires. Willard points out that some interactions between children and parents lead parents to criticize or ridicule current trends, or even some friends with whom the children find meaningful relationships. Later in life, some kids tend to grow increasingly distant, be on their phones more, stay in their rooms more, and like other homes better than their own. And as parents, we wonder why?
Sometimes we as parents can just be too judgmental. Maybe, in our hurry and haste, and our overwhelmed schedules, we fail to offer the respect to our children, or our spouse, that we offer to our colleagues, friends, and even strangers. Maybe the root of our struggles at home could be helped at least a little by applying this passage from Matthew, and our understanding of its implications for all relationships, with our own family.
The antidote for parents and children is the same antidote for all relationships where harshness and condemnation hold sway. Jesus defines it clearly in these first few verses of Matthew 7.
We first have to address the anger and contempt in our hearts. We must do the hard work of understanding our motives, and how our own will feels violated in some way. We simply cannot work toward a life without offering condemnation if we do not first work to eliminate resentment, anger, and contempt. That may involve reconciliation, and/or ongoing work of dying to self.
We then have to eliminate condemnation from the way we relate to others, especially those we know the best and are most comfortable with. Condemnation is a form of control that is harmful, and rarely if ever leads to positive change if a change is required or hoped for. Willard speaks of a way to train ourselves for difficult conversations that if offered with respect and no condemnation, can still expect change but with dignity intact. This is important for us as parents because we do retain authority over our children while they’re in our home. Exercising that authority without exasperating our children is a difficult task.
The next thing we can do is look for the right times to offer our parenting wisdom and advice (our “pearls and sacred things”). This is certainly different at different ages. There are more expectations and rules when children are younger. But as children get older, we enter into more dialogue, and we become more curious about our children’s lives.
I was struck by how much these basic ideas can truly change the trajectory of my home life. What would my children feel like if when I was tired, and in a hurry, I still treated them with basic civility and respect, much less love? What if I worked hard to withhold my critiques and harsher comments (even if well-meaning) and instead replaced them with curiosity? What if “asking, seeking, and knocking” became the paradigm through which I engaged my children and family? I’m working with teenagers and above. Appy these ideas age appropriately.
There are so many facets of judgment that stand out to me as I study this passage again. I know I still have a lot to work through. I believe my family, and all of our families could be a lot stronger if we all applied the truths of this passage to how we relate to each other. There really is no place for condemnation. We must root out anger and resentment. We can become more judicious in our relationships with the good ideas and deeds we have to offer. And we can become far more curious. I think we’d find more peace, and better connection, and possibly even find that our relationships grow deeper rather than further apart.
Can our homes become judgment-free zones? If we can’t even offer this hope in our homes, why would we assume we could offer it to the rest of the world through our church? And - as we’ll learn together in the sermon on this passage, as well as in small groups, judgment-free does not mean zero restraint, or rules, or expectations. It simply means offering it all without condemnation.
Maybe you want to discuss this with me? Or within your life group? Please don’t hesitate to reach out and let’s chat. No judgment!
Blessings!
Pastor Scott