Stupid Conflicting Emotions...

So I probably don’t have to remind anyone that yesterday marked the one month point since Jacob left us… (Sorry, this was hard to write so it WAS the 5th when I wrote this first paragraph lol) My heart doesn’t even know what to feel anymore.  Three Months ago I celebrated my five year anniversary with the most amazing man. Two weeks later that amazing man stood by my side and supported me giving birth to our third baby, and our first boy. One week later he helped pull off Mabel & Andre’s wedding music as we watched Ruthie, Nadia, and Penny walk down as the flower girls. One week later I sat there with tears streaming down my face as I held Jake’s hand and my baby sister said “I do” to a great new brother (flower girls again). Two days later we went to camp for two weeks.  Home for a week, then back to camp for a week.  August 2nd we left camp to come home for a week before returning for teen week.  No long goodbyes, because we were coming back…

We had a wedding close by camp so we had stayed Friday night and spent Saturday morning packing up.  Someone else was going to be staying in “our” cabin while we were gone so everything had to be packed up… After almost two hours of me packing and cleaning everything, we had 10 minutes until our planned departure time.  Jake meandered over, kiddos in tow, just as I shut the trunk and said, “ready to go?” I laugh now because this was such a Jake moment as he responded, “Oh I was hoping to take a shower before we left…”  Haha, of course.  So I had to dig out the stuff from the back corner of the trunk.  I didn’t realize until the next day that he left it in the shower!  

We had a lovely time at the wedding, and came home for a relaxing evening. Sunday was “Worship in the Park” so church service was at Charlotte Beach.  After a wonderful service, Jake immediately set up his new ‘slack line’ and spent the next two hours trying to walk across it, and trying to teach everyone who wanted to try.  Then he took the girls onto the beach and built an epic sand castle complex.  Then we went home and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with the girls, and joined in on Sarah’s game night later that night.

Everything was perfect.  We couldn’t have been happier… A weekend full of fun in community, yet still full of quality time for us was somewhat rare, and I remember Jake commenting on the way home from church that this was the perfect weekend.

So how do I wrap my head around this?  Our life has always moved at high speed… Never a dull moment :) That’s how we liked it and it worked well for us…  But I feel like my life was going 90 mph and just smashed into a tree.  How do I go from telling Jake “this is the happiest I’ve ever been” and Jake agreeing and commenting on the perfect weekend, to the lowest deepest emotions I have ever felt?  The confusing part is that I am still blessed! Two weeks ago I still had a new niece born, Jessie is still married to an amazing man, my Ruthie is still going to school for the first time, and I still wake up to the cutest little boy… I am definitely on a conflicting high-low and it’s just bizarre… 

In my last post I had been wrestling with feeling weak, like I couldn’t do this, and I realized that was a lie… However, I also realized after that it’s not that I can’t do this alone, it’s that I just don’t want to do this without him.  I’m not super intimidated by the logistics, just sad about the big hole that leaves me thinking, “you’re supposed to be here”…  The girls know it too because at least 20 times a day they comment, “if daddy were here, _____”.  ”If daddy were here he could carry both of us easier.” “If daddy were here we could both sit on his lap easier.”  If daddy were here, he’d have the biggest shadow, and he’d be holding my other hand, and I could walk to school between my mommy and my daddy…” 

They aren’t sad when they say these things… more like wistful… and I just agree…  ”You’re right baby, daddy was stronger…”  ”Daddy was bigger…” “Daddy would be so proud to walk you to school…” Then one of them, usually Nadia, just casually ends the conversation by saying, “but he’s gone now… He’s in Heaven.”

I am glad they are processing, but it’s hard.  It feels like a stab to my heart… So I had to face reality head on this week, and I have just been writing down everything that I miss about him.  Everything that made me love him.  It’s not a complete list, and they aren’t in any cohesive order, just wrote them as they came to mind… I am hoping that if I continue to dwell on all the things I miss, then they won’t be so jarring when the girls or other people bring them up…  I want to be able to keep telling stories.  

I am putting my list of things I miss separate so that if you think it would be too overwhelming to read, you don’t have to, but I promised full disclosure of what is going through my head, so it’s there if you want to.

Also just have to say think you to Pat & Em…  I didn’t have the strength to go visit when little Elie was born, and I felt so guilty and sad.  I wanted nothing more than to go, but I knew it wouldn’t be healthy.  I thought about Elie daily, and it continued to be a struggle.  Last Tuesday, Pat called to ask if I’d like them to come over with Elie the next day… I emphatically said YES.  I hadn’t been thinking about the fact that the next day was the 4th and would probably be a rough day for me.  I got the girls out in the morning, and despite trying to be productive, wound up sobbing into my pillow for over an hour instead.  Then I heard them in the driveway. Oi. I tried to clean myself up real quick, and put on a smile so they would know I was excited to see them…  I pulled that off for about 30 secs.  haha, Emily hugged me and I felt so loved, and I lost it.  Then I held Elie and cried silently all over her beautiful tiny cheeks…  So beautiful.  It was so hard to hold her, but exactly what I needed, and exactly the right timing.  So thank you.  I love you guys.