One Day At A Time?

Today was a weird day…  I spent many hours cleaning and reorganizing our kitchen with Sarah, then went over to the fields for the All-Star game for the church softball league that Jake started.  It wasn’t too hard to be at the field, but then Trintin started talking about Jake… It was perfect, he talked about Jake’s heart for the league and the inspiration he’d been to him… I was thankful for Amanda standing nearby giving me the “You got this” look.  It’s fairly easy to talk about things that Jake did, because it feels like storytelling.  It quite a different thing to who he was and the actions that resulted.  Yesterday was a big reminder of the Daddy who was lost.

Every time I look at Ruthie I think of her innate crazy side… I would tell Jake all the time that she was a “little Jake”, and now I wonder how I can keep that… How can I cultivate something that I don’t really understand, and who’s going to run around teaching her Parkour?

Nadia is intensely emotional… She reminds me of myself in that if she’s in trouble all she wants is to know is that she’s still loved. It gets me so upset thinking of my own relationship with my dad and that she can’t have that anymore! My daddy’s lap was my safe spot, and Nadia would curl up in Jake’s arms all the time.  I’ll never see that again, and she’ll never feel that again.

Then there’s CJ.  I don’t even know what to think or feel when I look at him… Why is he never going to know his daddy?!? I know how to train and be an example for my girls, but now I have to train and find examples for CJ… Jake talked a lot about specific things about how he wanted to raise a boy if we had one, and now they can’t happen because they were specific to Jake and his interaction with his son. I can’t fill in for a father-son bond…

So I know the key to success here is taking things one day at a time, but it is impossible to do that practically speaking… I am constantly living in a world that Jake and I built TOGETHER, with constant reminders of how every thing is different now. There will be many things on the parenting side of things that will take long term intentionality and planning… And there will be so many things each day that I will wish Jake was standing next to me again… 

Well… I’m getting beckoned to the girls room so that I can “wrap them like burritos in their blankets”… Another daddy thing…

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.