Stuck With This

Stuck With This

Feeling reality lately…  So much that is going through my brain, it’s hard to really talk about because I can’t describe what I am really feeling.  So many weak analogies that in the end just mean nothing.  I can’t turn my brain off.  Everything I see and hear goes through a filter of what Jake would be saying or doing in response and I just want him back.  I had multiple dreams last night about Christmas and New Years Eve without Jake, and each time I am just standing there, still, with everyone around me moving in fast forward… CJ woke me up at 4:45 to eat and decided after eating that it was play time. I didn’t really mind because he’s so cute, but then sometimes I just can’t look at him because he makes me miss Jacob so much!  I know I will never “understand” why this happened and why I have this new reality, but some days it just makes no sense at all.  I have run out of words to say to Ruthie when she has her “bad days” and wants daddy…  When she just looks at me with those eyes that want to know why I can’t fix it… It is devastating as a mommy to watch your kids’ fairytale life get ripped from their hands.  I don’t think they “deserve” that life, and compared to most kids’ realities, they still live a fairytale, but it is so different… Just feeling the weight today of the long term nature of this reality. From where I am standing, it seems too overwhelming… I know all the comforting answers of “one day at a time” and “it’ll get easier with time”, and I know God is going to walk me through this and give me the strength that I so desperately need.  I also know that reality always seems a little bleaker in the wee hours of the morning after a long night, but it’s just one of those times that my logic can’t keep up with my hurt. Looking forward to being with his family for the rest of the week… I picked up his cousin Tanya from the airport last night and I am just really happy she’s here… I love family. http://standwherefeetmayfail.tumblr.com/post/98380558253/stuck-with-this

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