What Can I Say?

What Can I Say?

So it has certainly been awhile since I shared my thoughts… I have considered writing many times over the last two months, but each time I feel unable to type.  So much has happened since Jake died… Time keeps marching on, and I am just happy that God is giving me strength for the day at hand… I remember the first time that I sat down to write but couldn’t.  I wanted to be open and honest about what I was thinking and how I was processing, but I found myself feeling like a broken record.  I know that it is in my own head that I am a complainer, but when I say the same thing over and over, it starts sounding like wallowing to me… How many times can I write, “I just miss him”?  You all know I miss him.  Do I really need to write about how much my heart breaks for Ruthie, Nadia, and CJ each time I think about them growing up without Jake? No, that’s obvious.  So why write?  This has been my mental block. However, for the last week or so, I have been really wanting to write again. Then, last night I watched “Shall We Dance” (the 2004 version) with Matt and Sarah… It’s one of my favorite movies.  Has been for quite awhile now, but it is even more so now.  It is actually the last movie Jake and I watched together.  Two weeks before he died we sat snuggled on the couch, watching the movie… When it finished, as the credits music rolled, I grabbed his hand and pulled him up and we danced. We laughed. I looked at him and he looked at me.  I mean really looked… The look that makes me cry and smile when I picture it… He would look down at me with this small smile that was almost like a knowing smirk, and look straight into my eyes. My smile was anything but small… It was a smile of real joy, real love. It encompassed how much I loved him, and how loved I felt by him. It was involuntary. Then, he’d kiss my forehead… Just a gentle, loving kiss that told me I was safe. The voice in my head saying, “Close your eyes, soak it in”.  How I miss those moments…

So, I’ve decided that if I could have just five minutes with him again, I would spend it dancing with him.  No words would be needed because we knew we loved each other, and more was said in the way that he held me than he could say with words. Thank you Jacob for taking the time to really love me.

One of my favorite parts of the movie:  Miss Mitzi: I've never seen him with his perfect partner, Not that those are easy to find...

John: Have you ever found one? Miss Mitzi: Once, He was my dancing partner for 15 years... We were husband and wife for 14, Wow, Yeah, He was my perfect partner... Doesn't happen twice in a lifetime, I'm lucky it even happened once. Well said Miss Mitzi, well said. http://standwherefeetmayfail.tumblr.com/post/104075824488/what-can-i-say

Visit this link to stop these emails: http://zpr.io/fJdE