Many of you have mentioned that my posts make you cry… If you are in that camp, do yourself a favor and don’t read this one at work. Just a helpful pro tip. :)
This is a list that I started writing back on the 4th… I have been jotting everything down in my phone so that I can write as things hit me. As I said in my last post, this list is by no means complete, or cohesive. Just my thoughts as they came.
I just miss him a lot today… It’s not that I don’t want to do this alone, it’s just that I don’t want to do it without him. Nothing is the same. I miss his smile and his laugh. And his arms. I miss his ridiculous fake mad face.
I miss him playing baby lion and being so cuddly with Nadia… I miss him being rough and tumble with Ruthie and teaching her music…
I miss having someone who KNEW me, knew when I was silly and when I was taking myself too seriously. I miss him telling me that I’m supermom. And that I’m beautiful. I miss Chrissy days and feeling special and loved.
I miss watching him playing strategy games, knowing he was almost definitely going to beat me. I miss being miffed by him winning Dutch Blitz when he moved SO SLOW. I miss him at his family gatherings being the grown up on the floor rolling around with the kids.
I miss watching him play a sports game and then spending the car ride home trying to see if I had understood all his mindsets… He loved strategy and thinking two steps ahead. Wrestling was the hardest to completely understand, and I love that he had explained it enough that I knew what he was thinking during every match… I never would have imagined myself loving watching wrestling and softball so much, but he was such a teacher…
I miss his crazy rants. I miss how he would say ‘so I’ve been thinking’ and then tell me some crazy idea… It took years to realize that meant he’d been thinking about it for the last five minutes, not hours, days or weeks like most people when they say that haha. I miss trying to wake him up, and never knowing if he’d remember anything he said or did in the process.
I miss going on walks just to hang out. I miss that he never got sick of me. I miss our long talks that started AFTER his late night talks with others… I’m a light sleeper so I usually woke up at 2am to him climbing in bed and he’d ask me a question that would turn into 2 hours of really good conversation. I miss when he would drive to Irondequoit Bay impromptu instead of going home because he just wanted to sit in the car and talk to me longer.
I miss his music… I miss his songs that he would make up when he was feeling silly, I miss how he would write songs for me, I miss him teaching other people guitar. I miss watching his passion when he was worshiping… I miss talking to him about what God had taught him during worship. I miss his greater understanding of worship not just being about music. I miss watching other people coming closer to God because of his genuine heart.
I miss watching him fly up the stairs in his bizarre way using his hands and his feet (I know weird, right?)
I miss watching ‘What About Bob’, ‘Dumb and Dumber’, ‘Groundhogs Day’, ‘The Court Jester’, and ‘The Man Who Knew Too Little’ with him (his top five favorite movies)… I miss how he had seen every movie and I had seen so few and he would always be flabbergasted at the “classics” I had missed.
I miss him constantly pushing me to try new things… and actually taking the time to teach me about them so that I got better at them… Hiking, remote camping, Road tripping, kayaking, softball… Then of course there’s all his crazy physical made up games like Extreme spoons, XSB, foam wrestling, diving and sliding under tables, etc. our honeymoon was not my idea of fun, until I did it with Jake. He had this ability to make anything fun…
I miss how when we would be being silly he would just randomly kiss me or grab my hand (or my butt lol) so that I knew he was actually attracted to me… I miss how he would always put his arm around me when we were sitting next to each other. I miss that when we were dating he never put his arm around me with other people around because he never wanted anyone to feel excluded…
I miss how he respected me… I never felt pressured to say yes when he would call to ask if he could do some crazy adventure with the guys, but I pretty much always said yes because I knew that I could say no… (not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but it made sense to me lol). I miss him always asking my opinion on things because he valued it. I miss how he thought I was a genius, yet always questioned me anyways and we would have discussions that were mutually challenging.
I love that he would talk endlessly about how much he appreciated the people in his life (past and present) who had impacted him. I love that just because he was in a different season of his life, he didn’t just move on from the people in his past.
I miss seeing him change and grow, from that crazy fun and sweet, but immature and bad tempered 18-year-old, to the man of God he had become… Who was still crazy fun and sweet lol.
I miss how he would always drink the carton of juice I had gotten for myself… lol, It always made me laugh… :) Now I have this carton of juice in the fridge that’s been in there for over a week because he’s not here to down it in one sitting… I feel weird every time I pick it up.
I miss the days that we would accidentally wear the same shirt because we were in so many of the same things so half our shirt matched!
I miss how much he pushed for family time.
I miss the feeling I would get when he would put his hand on my lower back… Don’t know why, it just always made me feel loved, and he knew it.
I miss how he would call me just to talk when we weren’t together. I miss how he would write me incredibly cheesy notes and letters and emails. I love that he knew they were cheesy. I miss his cheesy Christian pick up lines that he would still use on me… I’d walk in the door and he’d raise his eyebrows and say “you look pretty cold”… (An Ecclesiastes 4:11 joke… “Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?”… Get it?!?) ;)
I miss him randomly taking my hand and slow dancing with me… No music… Sometimes he’d sing or hum to me, but usually he’d just say “I love you” and we’d dance.
I miss seeing him be moved to tears by something the girls said. Or by an encouraging comment from my dad. The Saturday before all this happened, he put the girls to bed and came down with misty eyes because of this conversation with Ruthie…
"Ruthie are we always going to be friends? You know some girls grow up and don’t really talk to their daddys any more…"
(Ruthie starts crying)
"Why are you sad?!?"
"Oh daddy, I’m not sad, I’m just so happy! I love you so much!"
(Now this conversation makes me cry…)
That’s it for now… I could just keep writing forever…
Definitely feeling “God Of Angel Armies” this week…